It could be anything...
Resistance: Fall of the Abridged Series by Zac Attack. Do not edit without permission from the author (Zac Attack)
Synopsis
An abridged version of Resistance: Fall of Man, a mocking parody which attempts to condense the FPS down to a fraction of its former size and make it funny. Enjoy the satire and character exaggerations, and laugh at the situations and jokes.
Oh, York and Grimsby, I Hardly Knew Yee[]
York
Parker: My name is Rachel Parker, and I am a Captain in the British Resistance despite the fact that this is 1950's England and sexual equality hasn't happened yet. Though I can't be certain, I believe it might be due to me sometimes going on long factual rants which tend to leave my superiors in a coma, but Father told me it just a coincidence, right before he jumped off a bridge.
Parker: Our story begins when the Chimera virus burst out of Russia, overcoming Germany, France and several other countries no one really cares about in just six weeks. This was terrible, and to illustrate how terrible it is I'm going to show you maps going black, which also conveniently lowers the animation budget. For a time we thought England was safe, but then our supply of tea and crumpets began to dwindle, and without them we could not stand against the Chimera. We abandoned the cities to the Chimera and retreated to scattered military bases and outposts. The Chimera had won…
Parker: Operation Super Secret Angel Swap was launched on the 11th of July 1951, and this is where the story truly begins.
In Northern Command
British Military: Well it would appear our convoy has been ambushed. Let us inform no one and let the Americans die.
On board the US Aircraft Carrier
American Military: Well it would appear that we are now about to confront an extremely dangerous alien menace. Let us inform no one and let our troops die.
Riding in a VTOL
Hale: Well it would appear I am a super soldier with a resistance to the virus. Let me inform no one and let both sides die.
Inside just one of many VTOL's flying above York is Hale Hale, Carbine locked and loaded.
Hale: Let's see, I have my generic helmet which I can lose when I need to distinguish myself from the other faceless drones, my trusty knife which I will never use, and a photo which will make me appear more likeable as a protagonist. Okay, I'm ready to go.
With a roar the VTOL stops, and jumping onto the rope Hale rappels down
Hale: Now if this game follows the typical FPS staples, all my allies should start dying off really quickly.
Hearing a sound Hale looks up just in time to see a missile come out of nowhere and hit the VTOL
Hale: Right on cue.
Fighting through waves of Chimeran Hybrids, Hale and his allies advance into the streets of York, subjected to mortar attacks, ambushes, and the occasional bad joke.
American Soldier 1: Okay guys, what kind of Chimera plays cards? A Greyjack!
Everyone groans, especially Hale
Hale: That was awful.
American Soldier 1: Here's another one. What was the name of the soldier who took down a Goliath? David!
The others groan even louder, Hale is attempting to lose himself in examining the local architecture
American Soldier 1: You guys sound upset, (Brightening) but I know how to cheer you up. What do you get when you cross...?
Hale: Look, I'm going to be honest, your jokes aren't funny, they suck.
American Soldier 1: You...you don't like them?
Hale: Well, it's just that...
American Soldier 1: (Crying) You're...you're so mean, all I wanted to was... waaaaaaah! (Runs off screaming like a little girl)
Hale: The Crawlers can't come soon enough.
American Solider 2: What?
Hale: Nothing.
Moving out of the streets Hale slides into a dry creek bed, meeting up with another squad of allies.
American Soldier 1: Sergeant! I'm surprised you made it this far, come on, Captain Winters wants us at the bus depot, double time.
Hale: Alright, let's move.
The squad turns running
Hale: Look while we have the time, do any of you guys have any last requests or dying wishes? Because you might want to say them now.
American Solider 1: What are you talking about?
Hale: Well people around me have a habit of dying, besides main characters anyway.
American Soldier 2: Don't be silly, we'll be fine
American Soldier 3: Yeah, nothing's going to happen to us. Hey you see that?
Crawlers swarm the lot of them, the men clawing at them as they climb up their skin, but failing to keep them away.
American Soldier 1: The irony! (Falling over)
American Soldier 2: (Clutching at his throat)Who could have predicted this?
Hale: (Knocking off his helmet as he collapses) Told you so.
Vision hazy and the rest of the squad dead around him, Hale clambers back to his feet.
Hale: Well it looks like I've been infected again, which aside from violating the canon on how Crawlers don't go near the those already infected, has given me the biggest hangover since… well last week.
Picking up his Carbine, Hale hears footsteps and spins around, seeing a Medic approaching him.
American Medic: You alright sergeant?
Hale looks at the pile of dead corpses around him, coughs up a Crawler and nods.
American Medic: Well I see there couldn't possibly be anything wrong here, let's get to the depot.
Now on the streets, Hale jumped out of the battered Sabretooth tank he had been driving up till that point, entering the bus depot
Hale: Man what a fast battle, almost like it never happened, like it was skipped over in favour of something more entertaining, how strange.
American Soldier 1: (springing out from behind a corner) Halt, identify yourself!
Hale: Sergeant Hale, First Rangers.
American Solider 1: Great, you'll be here to see Captain Winters right? I'll take you to him. (Moves to the staircase)
Hale: (Following)Great, finally a normal soldier.
American Solider 1: Speaking of normal, just a word of warning. Captain Winters can be a little...scary at times. Kinda like Sergeant Johnson from Halo, only not... (Tries to think of a word)
Hale: (Supplying one) ...Retarded?
American Soldier 1: Yeah we'll go with that.
Reaching the top floor, the soldier opens the door for Hale, who steps inside to see Sergeant Winters holding a sniper rifle and berating two of his soldiers.
Winters: Look I don't care what happens just damn well aim straight!
American Soldier 2: I'm trying sir, I'm trying.
Winters: Trying eh? (And bringing up his gun shoots the soldier in the head) Well it looks like we have a sad case of friendly fire, anyone else care to 'try'?
American Soldier 3: (Staring in shock) Sir...you can't do that!
Winters: I'm 43, have red hair and vote Republican. I can do whatever the hell I freaking want! (And raising his gun a second time shoots the other man) Damn, more friendly fire, how am I going to motivate everyone without more soldiers to sacrifice?
Suddenly looking up, Winters notices Hale and the other soldier at the doorway.
Winters: Why hello there!
With a look of terror on his face Hale slams the door and locks it, bracing his shoulder against it just to make sure.
Hale: "A little scary?" You call that "a little scary?" Forget scary, he's insane!
American Soldier 1: Now, now, he only treats us like this because he cares.
Winters: (Through the door) Bring me cold coffee will you? Well I'm sure a little friendly fire will fix that up. (Gunshots quickly following) You know actually on second taste this coffee is plenty warm, oh well. Where did those other two get to?
Fighting for their lives amongst the buses and refuelling bays, the American Soldiers push back the Chimera, facing Hybrids and Sentry Guns in front and Winters behind.
Winters: (Over the radio) Okay boys, we need this depot as a landing zone, and you soldiers are going take it. You may all be incompetent, you may all be ugly, by god you're certainly stupid. But considering I sacrificed the rest of the men to motivate you, you're all I have left. Make me proud!
Hale: (Firing his Carbine from behind cover) I honestly don't know who I'm scared of more now, the Chimera or him.
American Soldier 1: Winters.
American Soldier 3:Winters for me.
American Soldier 2: I would have to go with Winters too.
Hale: (Looking back at them) I agree.
Continuing the battle Hale takes back the depot bit by bit, aided by the other American Soldiers and some very explodable cars.
Hale: ''(Sighting along his Carbine) Okay, what kind of car is that?
American Soldier 2: (Looking through some binoculars) Nissan!
Hale: (Shoots the car, explosion killing all the Hybrids around it) Okay,what about that one?
American Soldier 2: (Bringing around his binoculars to see what car he is pointing too) Ford!
Hale: (Nodding in appreciation Hale holds his fire and moves on) And that one?
American Soldier 2: (Once more using the binoculars) Rover!
Hale: Oh hell yes! (And empties the entire clip)
Depot taken and Chimera thrown back the Americans are able to bring in the armour, Captain Winters joining the men outside.
Winters: Well fought. We might just hold this little piece of heaven. Toppazzinni sing to us the Republican National Anthem to celebrate.
American Soldier 1: (Unsure) Don't you mean the US National Anthem sir?
Winters: I know what I said!
American Soldiers 2: (Pointing upwards) Sir!
Winters: Incoming!
Everyone looks up just in time to see the Spires, impacting with a thud, a barrel falling on Hale and pinning him to the ground in the chaos.
Winters: (Lifting himself up from the ground) Someone is going to get friendly fired for this!
But the Crawlers swarm him before he gets his chance, everyone buried under thousands of the tiny insects.
Grimsby
Parker: We know from the craters Chimera ended the battle by launching spires, there is no defence against a spire attack, except maybe wearing a gas mask, but then you look like an idiot, so nobody does that. After the Spires are done releasing Crawlers, the Chimera send in Carriers, transporting the bodies to conversion centres. Hale was taken to one such centre in Grimsby, my convoy team and I were taken to the same place. We were captured uninfected, so we were put into makeshift pens until they could infect us. And yes that is horrible grammar, thank you for noticing.
Parker: The Grimsby conversion centre is built on top of an old fish cannery, networks of tubes transporting the bodies from one stage of conversion to another. Now I am about to give you a long and unnecessarily dark explanation about the conversation process including cacoons, birthing chambers and lots of other virus stuff so we can get an M rating, which will all be useless by the next game anyway. Actually now that I think about this, most of this game gets chucked out for the next one, I don't even get any long factual rants! What a world.
Groaning, Hale slowly comes to, finding himself in a dark room in the fish canneries of Grimsby, deposited there like all the others.
Hale: Another hangover? I've really got to stop drinking so much.
Pulling himself to his knees, Hale suddenly realizes he is lying in a pile of naked soldiers, stripped to the waist.
Hale: Oh god, we didn't!
Panicking Hale backs away from them, bumping into the wall in the process, turning around to see two Menials. They are already busy attending to the bodies.
Menial 1: Growl, hiss, growl (How goes our work my friend?)
Menial 2: Hiss, growl, growl (Very good, I have helped remove the Chimeran virus from a dozen of them already, and the others remain clueless)
Menial 1: Hiss, growl, hiss (Excellent. Together we will bring down this conversion centre from the inside, and after we free the humans and develop a cure, we can then...)
Stepping out from behind the wall Hale raises his Carbine and shoots both Menials, moving into the next room.
Hale: Hmm I wonder what all that was about.
Fighting through several more Menials, Hale comes into a new room, several cells built into wall, some of them occupied.
British Soldier 1: Oi! You tha, get ust to hell outta her!
Hale: Excuse me?
British Soldier 2: Quick, before tha soddin crawlers get ust!
Hale: I'm sorry was... was that meant to be a British accent? Because it sounded like one, only really, urgh.
British Soldier 1: Just frackkin sav us, oh no!
The two are swarmed by crawlers, sending them into comas.
Hale: You totally deserve that for having such bad accents you know.
Parker: No wait, over here (Waving her arms) I don't talk like some walking stereotype! The console, shoot the console!"
Hale turns and does exactly as she says, destroying the console just seconds before it releases Crawlers into her cell.
Parker: (Panting) Thanks for that. I'm Parker.
Hale: Hey, Sergeant Hale, First Rangers.
Parker: (Looking annoyed) Yeah well I'm a Captain in the British Resistance, beat that!
Hale: Look can we work on getting you out of there? I could use some backup.
Parker: Actually I'll be going a different way (And banging on the cell door releases the vent)
Hale: How did you do that?
Parker: (Peering into the vent) Sorry Hale, looks like you'll have to find your own way out.
Hale: Seriously, how did you do that?
Parker: Bye! (And climbs into the vent, disappearing from sight.)
Hale: Well she was annoying. The only good thing about all this is that I'll likely never see her again and she'll play absolutely no further part in my life whatsoever.
INSOMNIAC: (In a voice booming from above) Don't count on it!
Hale: What?
INSOMNIAC: Nothing.
Battling further Chimeran guards and crew, Hale pushes even deeper into the conversion centre.
Hale: Man this sure is easier with all these power cores lying around. (Shooting at several as he talks) You'd think they would take better care of highly explodable and sensitive technology, next thing you know they'll be sticking them in the back of their spider tanks for some reason.
Walking through another corridor Hale notices that a break room is to his right, and hesitates for a moment.
Hale: I probably should be getting out of here and liberating Britain. (Then brightening) But how I am supposed to fight aliens on an empty stomach?
Moving into the break room, Hale quickly looks for food amongst the fish cannery's supplies, disappointed to find nothing but well...fish, until he finds an envelope.
Hale: Hmm, what's this?
Turning it over he sees the word 'Intel' in big black letters
Hale: Oh.
Opening the envelope he begins reading aloud. It is a recount of a man's incarnation in the conversion centre.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1720 hours. Captured with my buddy Steve during our patrol of Liverpool, brought in by Carriers and thrown in cells to be infected later. Steve holds hope for rescue, but I am more realistic, I know there is no escape.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1800 hours. Me and Steve are still trapped in this cell, and still no sign of rescue. I have created a sock puppet to pass the time, his name is Soxy, and he is a very good sock puppet, yes he is! Steve is giving me odd looks, but it's probably just because he didn't think to make a sock puppet first.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1830 hours. I fear for Steve's sanity, he says the lock may be rusted and he might be able to break it, but clearly he is deluded, there is no escape. Soxy and me both agree that the place is starting to get to Steve, he actually stared when I began eating pebbles! I pray for him.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1900 hours. Steve is gone, despite the best efforts of Soxy and me to convince him of his madness he broke down the lock and escaped. Worse, this can only be a sign of my own madness, clearly it is spreading. I have euthanized Soxy so he does not suffer, and I am planning to strangle myself with his body, farewell cruel world!
Putting down the envelope, Hale finds a sock puppet inside, ripped in half.
Hale: Hehe Soxy.
Back to pushing through the conversion centre, Hale begins to learn more about the Chimera.
Hale:(Tapping the glass tubing as cacoons float past) Man this is just getting disgusting.
Parker: (Over the radio) Hale, I'm noticing more Hybrid patrols now, they must know I've escaped.
Hale: Gee thanks.
Parker: You should have gotten out of there by now anyway, what have you been doing?
Hale: (Thinking of his rummage through the break room) Uh...searching for...um Intel, yes Intel!
Parker: Well don't too much longer, I'm almost out.
Hale: I'll make it; I'm not exactly sitting on my ass here.
Cutting the connection, Hale turns back to the glass tubing with the cacoons.
Hale: Yep, still disgusting.
Coming out into the open, Hale breathes a sigh of relief as he leaves the fish cannery and conversion centre behind.
Hale: Man is it good to be out of there. (Seeing something on the ground) Wait what's this?
Walking forward Hale picks up what appear to be a spiky round sphere, examining it closely.
Hale: This is strange, is it some sort of grenade? (Prodding the grenade with his finger, Hale jumps back as he pricks himself.) Ouch! Who designed this? That really hur-
Parker: Sergeant be advised, the Chimera have set up a trap. They have Sentry Guns guarding the only route out!
Hale: And I bet you have a really good reason for why you can't help me. (And spotting the first wave of Hybrids, hurls the grenade he had just picked up)
The grenade flies forward with perfect accuracy, strikes the lead Hybrid straight on the snout, falls to the ground and does...nothing.
Hale: Oh you have got to be kidding me.
Growling the lead Hybrid picks up the grenade and is just about to return it in a more lethal style when suddenly it leaps back, finger pricked on one of the spikes. And falling to the ground, the grenade strikes and detonates, not a single Hybrid left alive.
Hale: Well that was anti-climatic. Guess that's the end of the chapter.
Manchester, Nottingham, Why so British?[]
Manchester
Parker: Escaping the conversion centre at Grimsby I was able to summon a rescue, flying into Chimera airspace was always dangerous, but we had to risk it, especially for ineffectual British captains like me and crazy American soldiers like Hale. After we were onboard I studied Hale for other signs of conversion, nervous movement, paranoia, though how a comatose soldier can be paranoid is beyond me, but nothing, just those golden eyes. Completely ignoring the fact that Hale might hold a cure for the Chimera virus and save millions of lives I quickly put us in route to Manchester, where I could throw him into the fight like any other expendable soldier.
Parker: The Resistance had been fighting a losing battle all day, trying to retake the convoy I had lost, and with Stalkers in the area the only way in was on foot, but not for me, because I am far too important and British to do something like that. Now where are those tea and crumpets?
Seated amongst the confines of the VTOL, Hale takes a few moments to catch his breath as they approach their destination.
Parker: I'm sorry Hale, but I can't afford to risk you at Manchester. You're coming with me to Northern Command for debriefing.
Hale: That's good, I could use a rest, and I can tell you all I know about what happened at York and my resistance to the Chimera virus.
Parker: (Sharing glances to the British soldiers to her left and right) Quit being so stubborn Hale, you are not going to Manchester!
Hale: What the heck are going on about? I'm happy to go with you.
Parker: (Holding a hand to her head) Fine, if you feel you must go, then go, I won't stop you.
Hale: (Crossing his arms) No.
Clicking her fingers the British soldiers next to Parker jump on top of Hale, and after a second of struggle pick him up, and carrying him to the door throw him out.
Parker: I believe in you! (Slamming the door shut)
Picking himself up from the ditch he had been forcefully ejected into, Hale stared up to find himself in the middle of a warzone.
British Soldier 1: (Turning to see Hale) Beauty, the American reinforcement is here!
British Soldier 2: Welcome to the end of the world!
Hale: (Getting behind cover as bullets fly overhead) You guys seem awfully cheerful.
British Soldier 2: Why shouldn't we be? There are almost fifty of us here, more than enough to take these Hybrids.
British Soldier 2: Yeah. It's not like a convenient wave of arterially will come out of nowhere and wipe most of us out. Hmm, what's that noise?
With a low whining sound a convenient wave of arterially comes out of nowhere and wipes most of the soldiers out.
Hale: (Looking around) I am beginning to notice a pattern here.
Continuing to fight with what few soldiers were left Hale pushes through the Chimera's ranks, fighting amongst the remains of Manchester.
Hale: (Noticing a canister of green fluid on the ground) Finally! (And picking it up begins to gulp it down)
British Soldier 1: Uh Sergeant? What are you doing?
Hale: (Finishing) What? I've been doing it since York.
British Soldier 1: So you've been finding glowing green liquid...
Hale: Yep.
British Soldier 1: ...In alien containers...
Hale: Yep.
British Soldier 1: ...And without knowing what it was or how it was made, you just decided to just pick it up off the ground and drink it?
Hale: (Shrugging his shoulders) It just seemed like the natural thing to do.
British Soldier 1: (Licking his lips) Can I have some?
Hale: Sure.
Handing the soldier the bottle, the man takes a swig. Almost immediately he drops it, falling to the ground and seemingly having a seizure.
Hale: Damn, that stuff is dangerous. (Prying the container from his fingers) We'll really have to be careful about handling this stuff (Draining the last few drops of glowing green) I mean someone could really get hurt here!
Busting down the door, Hale and others spread out as they enter Manchester Cathedral, looking for the supplies and weapons left there during the war.
Hale: (Whistling) Wow this is some building, I'm impressed.
British Soldier 1: (Pulling out a piece of paper) Did you know that construction of Manchester Cathedral began in 1421, was originally dedicated to St Mary, and is an excellent example of Gothic architecture?
Hale: (Gasping in shock) Really?
British Soldier 2: (Pulling out his own piece of paper) Yep. It also once served as a college and academy specialising in music. The average indoor temperature is a lovely 31 degrees Fahrenheit, and the rainfall for this region yearly is a fantastic 22.6 inches.
Hale: Wow, thanks guys. Now I know.
British Soldier 1 & 2: (In unison) And knowing is half the battle! (Leapers seen creeping up behind them)
Alone, the rest of the soldiers torn apart in the Cathedral, Hale activates his radio, stumbling through the what appears to be the city park.
Hale: Parker? Anyone? I need a VTOL to pick me up, I'm the only one left.
Parker: Sorry Hale, we can't risk a pickup with a Stalker in the area, you have to go on.
Hale: Are you kidding? I'm being chased by giant alien wolves and being shot at through walls, how the hell am I supposed to get through that?
Parker: Don't forget the mines.
Hale: M...mines? (And turns to see a string of Hedgehogs rising up out of the grass) Oh naturally.
Screams of pain and bouts of swearing are the only thing which can be heard for a long time, in between the sounds of the mines going off anyway.
Parker: Hale? Hale are you there? (A short pause) Hale are you dead?
Hale: Frankly Parker, I almost wish I was.
Keeping watch for the reinforcements Parker had promised him three hours ago, Captain Mitchell, suddenly finds his feet connecting not to the cold cobblestones, but something squishy.
Mitchell: Hmm, that's odd. The road isn't always this soft. Private!
British Soldier 1: (Coming at his call) Yes, Captain?
Mitchell: I am trying to walk here, and for some reason my foot seems unable to connect with the ground. Explain.
British Soldier 1: You appear to be standing on the body of some poor soldier who stumbled into the mines, sir.
Mitchell: Really, what does he look like?
British Soldier 1: Do I really have to tell you, sir?
Mitchell: We've been over this before, Private. My eyes are never to see the ground, it is unworthy.
British Soldier 1: Fine. (Hale begins to stir) It looks like he's waking up.
Mitchell: Yes I can hear him from up here. It is quite annoying.
British Soldier 1: And?
Mitchell: And hurry up and get a gag. His unworthy sounds irritate my ears.
British Soldier 1: I think he needs a medic.
Captain Mitchell: I think you're beginning to irritate my ears too.
The American having been carried back to base, Captain Mitchell is now briefing his men for the next attempt at retaking the convoy.
Mitchell: Okay soldiers, well I assume you are soldiers anyway, can't exactly look down can I? Anyway our job is to take this convoy, no matter what it took Parker said.
British Soldier 1: Parker, sir?
Mitchell: The one with all the factual ranting.
British Soldier 1: Oh, that Parker.
Mitchell: Anyway I can't see them myself, but my officers have reported large amounts of Chimeran Hybrids. Luckily we have analysed them and come up with very reliable intelligence on their tactics and way of fighting.
British Soldier 2: Great work, sir!
British Soldier 1: Yeah, awesome!
Mitchell: Our first discovery was that the Hybrids are quite literally glued to cover, no doubt because moving unnecessarily taxes their already limited mental capacity. They will not advance in any way unless scripted to, popping out of cover every few seconds to fire off shots, even if you are behind them.
British Soldier 1: Umm, okay.
Mitchell: Our second discovery was that despite Bullseyes having been observed as having a useful tag feature, the Hybrids do not seem to use it under any circumstances. We can only assume that budget cuts have forced the Chimera to drop the feature until Resistance 2, with Hale coincidentally picking up the one Bullseye which actually can tag.
British Soldier 2: And...and how are we supposed to beat them, sir?
Mitchell: Oh I sent that American Hale out there ten minutes ago. I expect we already have beaten them. Congratulations.
Having beaten every Hybrid nearby along with the Stalker, Hale leans up against the remains of a destroyed car, catching his breath. Nearby Mitchell can be seen talking with Parker over the radio.
Mitchell: Site is secure, all Stalkers down.
Parker: (Over the radio) Parker here. We're in-bound. How many casualties?
Mitchell: That would require me to look down. So I'll just say none.
Hale: But sir, I did all the work. There were no casualties!
Mitchell: Oh will you shut up? I'm about this close to gagging you again, don't make me go get it.
After several minutes of talking between the two over the radio, Mitchell cuts the connection. Hale approaches him again.
Hale: Uh, sir?
Mitchell: Oh what the hell do you want now?
Hale: That thing I just fought was called a Stalker right?
Mitchell: Yeah, so?
Hale: And it was a giant four legged spider mech which fired missiles from above?
Mitchell: What about it?
Hale: (Scratching himself) I don't know, it just felt familiar somehow. Something about another universe with a cat, robot backpack and some sort of deadlock. I don't know.
Meanwhile crawling from the wreckage of the Stalker and stumbling down an alleyway is one very angry Lombax and one very prissy sounding backpack.
Ratchet: We have a job for you Insomniac said. You can play a villain for once they said. You can use that cool tank from Deadlocked they said. I was lucky just to make it out of there alive!
Clank: At least we have each other Ratchet.
Ratchet: Oh will you shut up? The moment that becomes a consolation is the moment I turn you into a toaster and beat myself to death with it.
Clank: Sorry Ratchet.
Ratchet: Damn straight you are.
Nottingham
Parker: I picked up Hale after the mission, and with the Stalkers gone we airlifted the containment cell back to Northern Command. Despite the convoy already being ambushed once and Hale screaming out "The Destroyer is Manifest!" whenever he got too near the cell I was confident that it was contained. After all giant telepathic aliens are no match for our 14 inch lead walls, what was the worst which could happen?
Parker: Continuing to ignore Hale's importance my team were sent to Nottingham, and to show you this I'll put a red line leading from Manchester to Nottingham on this map. See? Clever. We were about to execute a very risky offensive operation, the Chimera had been using a network of underground tunnels to attack undetected, and also to swipe our tea and crumpet supplies. The tunnels formed a nexus in Nottingham, and if we sealed them, we would at least briefly gain the upper hand. Please note this is a species which dug under the channel in just a few weeks and has machines explicitly called Burrowers, for some reason I think we were wasting our time.
Peeking around the corner of the tunnel, Hale can only stare as sentry guns and entrenched Hybrids meet the charging British Soldiers over the hills of Nottingham.
Hale: (Shaking his head) How do I keep getting into these situations? (Then he thinks of Parker) Oh yeah.
Targeting the Sentry Guns, Hale finds all his attacks against them useless, protected by metal and protective glass.
Hale: Damn. I wish I hadn't used all my Auger ammo on that Stalker. Guess I'm going to have to do this the hard way.
Scrambling up the hill Hale charges, and doesn't last for five seconds before he dies, Hybrids tea bagging his corpse. And then suddenly he's alive again.
Hale: Second time's a charm?
Scrambling up the hill Hale charges, and this time lasts for ten seconds before he dies, Hybrids again tea bagging his corpse. Then he's alive.
Hale: Sooner or later.
Scrambling up the hill Hale charges, and manages to survive fifteen seconds, Hybrids tea bagging harder than ever. It takes him about another six respawns before he finally wins.
Hale: Why on earth did I put this on Hard Difficulty?
Having cut his way past the Sentry Guns and trenches, Hale is standing right outside the building housing the Chimera mortar batteries.
Hale: Okay, time to take out these mortars. But the door is locked, and blowing it up is far too logical for an FPS. I need to trick them into opening it.
Walking up to the door, Hale pulls back his hand, narrows his eyes, readies himself, and finally with great power... knocks politely and is let in. After which he butchers every Chimera on the first floor.
Hale: My cunning strategy worked! But woe is me, now they have blocked the stairs, and they won't fall for the same trick twice. I'll have to be even trickier this time
Walking up to the stairs, Hale reaches into his pocket, puts a cigarette in his mouth, lights it and then taking a deep breath...asks if anyone would like a cigarette. They let him in, and once more he butchers every Chimera inside.
Hale: Note to self: being polite opens doors, and apparently nicotine as well. Also, second note to self: get a therapist; I talk to myself far too much.
Suddenly one of the Menials corpses falls from where Hale had killed it near the cannons, and in its slump hits a switch. The mortar firing one final shell flying up into the sky and...not coming down.
Parker: (Over the radio) Hale, we just detected one last shot from the mortars. What is happening?
Hale: I don't know. But it'll probably be really funny later on.
Having travelled through a long dark tunnel and faced a Titan, Hale has finally reached K Troop, which he is apparently supposed to meet up with. He approaches two snipers.
British Soldier 1: Grab a Fareye mate; we need all the help we can get.
Hale: (Picking up one of the sniper rifles) Wow, nice.
British Soldier 2: Yeah, it's kinda like the sniper rifle from Halo, only not... (Tries to think of a word)
Hale: (Supplying one) ...Retarded?
British Soldier 1: Yeah we'll go with that. Now brace it against your shoulder, use the scope to acquire far off targets, and if you focus, you can slow down time.
Hale: Alright, sounds like...wait, slow down time?
British Soldier 2: Yeah, but only for five seconds, because then you have to recharge your focus.
Hale: That is at the same time the stupidest and most awesome thing I have ever heard.
Finally having fought through several more waves of Chimera, a soldier is taking Hale to meet Lieutenant Cartwright.
Hale: (Looking a little awkward) So...what's this Lieutenant Cartwright like? My experiences with military officers so far have not exactly been great ones.
British Soldier 1: Oh he is amazing; I'm surprised you haven't heard of him. He's been a legend in the British Resistance since the beginning.
Hale: (Generally surprised) Wow, really?
British Soldier 1: Yeah. I heard that he once killed six Chimera with the same bullet!
Hale: Umm, are you sur...
British Soldier 2: (Hearing them as they walk past) No it was eleven Chimera, and half of them were headshots!
Hale: Now come on, that can't be...
British Soldier 3: (Looking up as they approached) No it was twenty Chimera, all headshots, while he scored with two hot chicks!
Hale: (Putting up his arms) Okay, sorry, but this has got to be exaggeration. There's simply no way one man could do all that.
Turning a corner Hale finds Cartwright, leaning against the wall casually as his sniper rifle claimes Hybrid after Hybrid, dozens of their corpses lying at his feet. He wasn't even paying attention either, focusing on something closer at hand.
Cartwright: Why hello there beautiful. (Talking to a nearby female officer) How would you like to come to my place tonig... excuse me for a moment.
Turning Cartwright decapitates a Hybrid with his knife, ramming his Fareye through the mouth of another, and shooting through its body to headshot one more off in the distance.
Cartwright: Now where were we? Oh yeah, anyway tonight...
About 20 feet away Hale is staring with his mouth open; the soldiers around him all stare at him accusingly.
Hale: (Putting up his hands) Okay, okay, the man is good.
Moving across the pylons as the British forces below fight to seal off the tunnels, Hale finally reaches his destination. Now above the last of the tunnels, he jumps into the fan lift.
Hale: Weeeeee! (Landing on the ground) Okay time to take this nexus, bring it on!
Hearing this a Chimeran Titan steps out from behind the hill in front of him, staring at Hale as it charges its cannon.
Hale: Damn it, damn it, damn it! (Jumping behind the base of the pylon) How the heck am I supposed to beat this thing?
Titan pounding his position with its cannon, Hale fights back with everything he has, barely seeming to touch the massive Chimera.
Hale: Not good, I can't beat him. This looks like the end.
About to step out and have one last trade off with the Titan, Hale suddenly stops as he hears a whistling sound, becoming louder every second. It sort of sounds like... artillery?
Hale: (Staring at the exploded remains of the Chimera) Well what do you know? That was pretty funny.
Having moved past the smoking remains of the Titan, Hale begins working on the job of sealing up the tunnel with a few handy explosives. Cartwright is talking to him as he works.
Cartwright: (Over the radio) Damn, took it down singlehandedly!
Hale: Yeah, I know. Amazing right?
Cartwright: More like costly. I lost twenty quid thanks to your survival.
Hale: You...you bet money on my life?
Cartwright: Yeah.
Hale: Why you... hold on someone else is trying to talk to me.
British Soldier 1: (Over the radio) Sorry to interrupt Hale, but I thought it best to contact you on another frequency. I'm that guy you talked to before?
Hale: British Soldier 1?
British Soldier 1: Yep that's me. Anyway just wanted to warn you that while Cartwright is a living legend, he does have problems, or rather one big problem.
Hale: You don't have to tell me, he just bet twenty bucks on whether I lived or died!
British Soldier 1: That's what I'm talking about. Cartwright has this obsession with gambling. He'll take any bet, anytime, anywhere.
Hale: Hmm (Changing frequencies) Hey Cartwright, bet you ten that you can't jump off one of those pylons without breaking your legs. (A pause) Cartwright?
In the distance screaming can be heard, followed by a crack and a thud. Then laughing, suddenly the radio comes back on.
Cartwright: In your face Hale, I only broke my arm and three ribs!
Cheshire and Somerset Needs More Music[]
Before beginning Chapter 3 of Resistance Abridged, I would just like to mention how sorry I am that this took as long as it did. Lots of other projects kept demanding my attention, but that's really no excuse. Anyway, thank you to anyone who waited and is reading this now, and I hope you enjoy this. Feel free to criticise and tell what you find funny and what you dislike, as I tried a few new things with this chapter, and would like to hear impressions. Have fun!
Cheshire
Parker: After a long battle the operation at Nottingham was deemed a success, though despite my best efforts Hale had still not been sacrificed for the greater good. I eventually found him helping Cartwright back to the VTOL's, the Lieutenant somehow having managed to break both his arm and three ribs. I immediately ordered for him to be treated, but it was quite some time before anything was actually done, Cartwright seducing any nurse or medic which came near him. Strangely enough, not all of them were women...
Parker: Mentioning Southern Command in passing so that we can use that for a level later, I decided to bring Hale to Northern Command in Cheshire to be debriefed. Some might think that it's a bad idea to bring someone obviously infected with the Chimeran virus into close proximity with an Angel, but I had faith in the 14 inch lead walls of that containment cell, they hadn't failed us yet. Ignoring the lack of radio response, absence of human life and a big sign saying "The Chimera are here!" Me, Hale and the soldiers were caught completely by surprise when we found Northern Command overrun. What a huge and unforeseeable plot twist!
Uneasily proceeding through the tunnels of the base, Hale and the others glance left and right nervously as they continue to find the place empty. For Hale the final confirmation comes as they approach the body of a British soldier, dead on the floor.
Hale: Okay that's far enough. No one here is alive and the Chimera have clearly taken the place over, let's go.
Parker: We don't know that for sure! Everyone could be out getting coffee for all we know!
British Soldier 1: All eight thousand of them.
British Soldier 2: At the same time.
Hale: (Angry) Coffee, coffee? (Grabbing Parker and making her look at the corpse) Does he look like he's getting coffee to you?
Parker: It's probably a coincidence; he probably had a heart defect or something.
Hale: And the look of absolute terror on his face?
Parker: Obviously from him dying before he could get any coffee.
Suddenly the tunnel around them shakes, a great groaning noise coming from above as cracks begin to appear, plaster and mortar already falling.
Hale: The tunnel is about to cave in isn't it?
British Soldier 2: Yep.
Hale: I'm going to get separated from the rest of you aren't I?
British Soldier 1: Looks that way.
Hale: I'll have to fight on alone, through a level full of Chimera and creepy music.
Parker: I believe in yo...
Hale: Shut it.
On cue the tunnel collapses above them, several tons of rock and concrete separating Hale from the others, leaving him with nothing but a lungful of dust and the Chimera closing in.
Fighting through such important areas as the cafeteria and the broom closet, Hale continues through Northern Command, trying his best to find a way out.
Hale: Okay this isn't so bad. I've only gone mildly insane from the crushing loneliness and impenetrable darkness, and I don't even have to deal with Parker. I should do this more often.
It was at this moment that a shadow flashed across the corridor before him, dramatic violin chords accompanying it.
Hale: (Panicking) Oh god what was that? I've changed my mind; I want to get out of here.
Slowly continuing, Hale found himself haunted by the shadow, it always darting across the tunnels in front of him, never quite visible.
Hale: Damn, where is it now? This couldn't get any worse!
Suddenly an immense groan passed through the tunnel around him, and roaring a Burrower bursts through the wall ahead of him, burying him beneath the debris as it escaped out the other side.
Hale: Why does this keep happening to me?
Having pulled free of the wreckage and found the shadow to be nothing more than an anorexic Chimera in a gimp suit, Hale finds himself stumbling across the generator room.
Hale: Okay restoring power to Northern Command is probably a good step to fixing this mess. But how do I go about doing that?
Finding a convenient manual on the ground, Hale picks it up and begins browsing through the Index. After several moments he flicks to chapter 11. "So the Chimera have invaded your base?"
Hale: Okay so if I turn this lever here, hit that button there, and twist this knob here, then that should do it.
Performing each action as he read it out, the room surged to life, as opposed to exploding as Hale had expected.
Hale: Wow that actually worked pretty well. I wonder if there's anything else useful in this thing.
Again opening up the manual, Hale turns to chapter 12. "And now there's an Angel trying to get inside your head..."
Far above the tunnels of Northern Command, sitting in a chair humming to herself happily was Parker, trying to figure out the crossword puzzle for her newspaper.
Parker: Ah, logic, my old nemesis (Seeing Cartwright approach) Oh Cartwright, quickly, what is an eleven letter word for useless? It's so very hard to pick just one.
Cartwright: Actually Parker I'm here expressing some concerns from the troops. They're starting to wonder why we're out here instead of inside Northern Command, dealing with the Chimera.
Parker: Hale can handle it. And wasn't your arm broken?
Cartwright: As if those injuries could ever keep down the legend of the British Resistance. I was back up and seducing girls hours ago.
Parker: About that Cartwright, I've always meant to ask. I'm a woman.
Cartwright: I am aware.
Parker: And yet you've never...
Cartwright: No.
Parker: So there's no chance...
Cartwright: No.
Parker: Even if I...
Cartwright: No.
Parker: ...
Cartwright: Well this is awkwa...
Parker: (Interrupting him) I bet you forty dollars you can't lead a suicidal mission into Chimeran territory to track down the origin of this attack.
Cartwright: Now, now Parker, I'm not that easy to trick. You'll have to try much harder than that to...
Parker: Fifty.
Cartwright: (After a slight pause) ...Damn you.
Back in the tunnels, Hale leaves the now windowless science labs of Northern Command, having shot out every piece of glass he could see in his quest for a skill point.
Hale: And I still didn't get it. Insomniac screwed me over!
INSOMNIAC: (Voice seeming to come from all around him) What was that?
Hale: Nothing!
Door opening up before him, Hale finds himself in an oval shaped room, machinery and wires everywhere. That wasn't what surprised him though, that was reserved for the Greyjack lifting up a soldier in the centre.
Hale: (Sarcastically) Do I need to leave you two alone?
British Soldier 1: (Desperate) Please help me! There so many things I never got the chance to do. I never let my girlfriend know I love her! I never got to see Venice! I never even got the chance to...
Hale: (Shooting the long limbed Chimera) Okay I'm going to cut you off right there. You alright?
British Soldier 1: Apart from being British? Sure.
Suddenly a series of tubes begin popping up all around them, glass walls of each revealing their contents, more Greyjacks, appropriately dark music again beginning to play
British Soldier 1: Though that may change soon.
Hale: Alright whose bright idea was it to keep live specimens on base? I mean one is risky, but twelve is just asking for something to go wrong.
British Soldier 1: Should we blame Parker?
Hale: I think it kind of goes without saying at this point.
Panting Hale stands over the bodies of the Hybrids, Burrower lying motionless behind them. It had been a long battle, but now it was finally over, just him and the Angel.
Hale: (Looking at the containment cell) Now, there's plenty of ways to end all this, but considering I'm American, I think I want to shoot something.
Hitting a button and loading a fresh clip Hale walks up to the cell, looking for the Chimera contained inside.
Hale: Come on, where are you?
And then suddenly it was there, shattering the glass between them with a roar. It was fearsome, it was controlling his mind, and yet the confrontation between Hale and the Angel basically amounted to...
Angel: Blarg!
Hale: Aaaahhhh!
Angel: Blarg!
Hale: Aaaahhhh!
Angel: Blarg!
Hale: Aaaahhhh!
Angel: Blarg!
Hale: Oh screw it! (And raising his Carbine unloads into the Chimera)
Somerset
Parker: After a long wait and three more crossword puzzles Hale finally emerged from Northern Command. Looking at his face I knew there was no point in asking, if Hale was alive, then the Angel was dead, no chance at all that they had simply failed to come across one another. Examining the Sergeant further I noticed yet more signs of the conversion process, unnatural quickness, rapid healing, four extra eyes. Though that last one may have just been wishful thinking on my part.
Parker: Hale left as quickly as he arrived, heading off to find out what had happened to Cartwright after he failed to report in. I have no idea why he was in such a hurry; it's almost as if he was trying to get away from someone. Incidentally I spent the few moments Hale was here following him around, telling him all the illogical and dangerous plans I had in store for him, and also that he smelt like cookies. I coped with his absence like any other normal human being, by which I mean I factually ranted at everyone in a 500 metre radius until they frothed at the mouth and collapsed.
Landing amongst the shrubbery and grass of the small country town, Hale looked up at as the VTOL disappeared above him.
Hale: Can't believe I'm out here in the middle of nowhere looking for Cartwright. I could be doing so many more important things, like getting some sleep. I've been awake for over two days straight now, it's a miracle I can still hold my gun straight.
Beginning to explore Somerset, Hale was surprised to find a body, black armoured and wearing a mask, the likes of which he had never seen before.
Hale: (Picking up the Hailstorm next to him) Sorry friend, but if you died with this then you probably deserved it. This thing looks like a beast.
Getting up Hale turns to walk away, only to nearly shoot himself in the face as a hand grabs his ankle. It was the soldier, and he wasn't quite dead.
Black Op 1: Orders...Insomniac...capture...you...purple... monkey...dishwasher.
Hale: What is it? What are you trying to say?
Black Op 1: Too...late...must...get ready...to die...dramatically...farewell. (Keels over)
Hale: No! Don't you die on me! Tell me what you know and then die on me! (Dropping the corpse) Jerk.
Having fought his way through, Hale busts into the house, only to find Cartwright, kneeling over the bodies of his squad, all of them dead.
Hale: I'm sorry for your loss.
Cartwright: I never should have brought them along, they never stood a chance. They weren't even main characters.
Hale: How did this happen anyway? I thought you were the guy who could headshot twenty Chimera with one bullet?
Cartwright: The Chimera can be tricky. Have you seen those anorexic gimps they have? I was caught completely off guard by their ability to jump between the same two or three spots.
Hale: They have the bodies of malnourished teenagers! I defeated five of them myself on the way here!
Cartwright: Look if you stop making a big deal out of my squad sucking I'll let you drive the awesome jeep out back. Deal?
Hale: (Sigh)...Deal.
Out the back of the building Cartwright is looking for the keys of his vehicle, giving a rundown of its capabilities as he searched.
Cartwright: We call it the LYNX. It has a reinforced chassis, four wheel drive, a high powered turret and a top speed of almost 60 kilometres an hour. What do you think?
Hale: Not bad, not bad at all. It kind of reminds me of the Warthog from Halo, only not...
Master Chief: No, just no! This stops right now!
Turning around, Hale is surprised to see a green armoured figure approaching him, visor covering his face and some kind of energy sword in his hand.
Master Chief: Hale, in response to these persistent and unfunny attacks on Halo, I am here to serve you with a cease and desist order.
Hale: (Given a document) You can't be serious.
Master Chief: Oh but we are. Stop the slander or Microsoft will see you in court.
Hale: You'll sue me?
Cartwright: (Hand raised) May I just say that I have no idea what is going on here?
Master Chief: Quiet you. Now Hale, what is your response?
Hale: My response (Bringing up his Carbine) Is to kick your ass!
Hale up front driving and Cartwright manning the turret in the back, the LYNX sped away from the small country town. Finally Cartwright broke the silence.
Cartwright: You know you have to give the guy props for...
Hale: I don't want to talk about it.
Cartwright: Well yeah, but when he shot you in the knee did you...
Hale: Cartwright, I really don't want to talk about it.
Cartwright: Okay, fine. But I'm turning on the radio; do you want rock or jazz?
Hale: Jazz.
Cartwright: You just got curb stomped by Master Chief, so no.
Hale: Then why did you even ask?
Cartwright: Because something that funny should never be brought up just once.
Now deep into the wilderness, the jeep stands under the shade of a tree, hood open, Hale bent over the engine as he examined it.
Hale: I'm telling you Cartwright there's nothing wrong. I don't know why you had me pull over.
Cartwright: (Eyes running appreciatively over the back of Hale) Well I sure do.
Hale: What was that?
Cartwright: Nothing. Maybe if you look up the back?
Hale: (Doing as Cartwright directed) Alright, it's really hot up here. I'm getting all sweaty.
Cartwright: (Taking pictures) You're not the only one.
Hale: What?
Cartwright: Nothing. (Putting away the camera)Actually I think you just fixed it, let's go. We have to sweep the rest of Cheddar Gorge.
Hale: (Closing the hood) Cheddar Gorge? Is that where we are?
Cartwright: Yes, and if you make even one cheese related joke I will end you.
Having reached and passed through the Chimeran factories, Hale and Cartwright now lay flat as they gazed over the hilltop, a massive alien structure filling their vision.
Cartwright: Using my massive knowledge of geology which I just made up this moment, I can tell that this tower was not constructed, it was excavated.
Hale: Using my similarly massive knowledge of geology, I agree.
Suddenly Hale clutches his head, the Angel inside the tower sensing him and trying to get inside his head. Screaming a single syllable as he sought to resist it.
Angel: Blarg!
Shaking himself, Hale manages to throw off the Chimera's influence, and together with Cartwright gets up. The Lieutenant notices something is wrong.
Cartwright: Are you alright?
Hale: Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just losing my humanity to a giant telepathic alien, feeling a bit sleepy, the usual. You?
Back on the outskirts of the factories, Hale and Cartwright are preparing to depart in the LYNX with this plot driving information.
Cartwright: You know it sure is strange that the Chimera left the jeep alone while we wrecked their base. I mean it was right here the whole time; I didn't even remove the keys.
Hale: Yeah, I've found its best not to question stuff like that.
Cartwright: Hang on, I just thought of something. We tracked the Chimera to that tower right?
Hale: I guess.
Cartwright: This mission was a success right?
Hale: If you count getting your team killed as success.
Cartwright Don't you realise what this means?
Hale: No.
Cartwright: (Throwing up his arms) I just won fifty bucks!
Somewhere in the state of California, Insomniac Games Headquarters stood tall. At the very peak of the building, sitting in his office was the CEO, Ted Price, staring at the television screen before him with displeasure.
Ted Price: I am only going to ask you this one more time, my minion. Have your Black Op agents secured Hale or not?
Black Op 1: (On the screen) Well sir...no. You see we...
Ted Price: Wrong answer. (The man suddenly grasping his throat as if choked) Feel the power of the Dark Side of game development!
Black Op 1: But...you said...
Ted Price: I am altering the deal; pray I do not alter it further.
Gasping for air the minion collapses, off screen as he died. Almost immediately a new Black Op rushed to take his place.
Ted Price: Hale is vital to my vaguely established evil plans; he is to be captured at all costs. Do not fail me as your predecessor has done.
Black Op 2: (Shaking) Yes sir!
Cutting the connection Ted Price suddenly leans back his head and laughs, filling the offices and hallways of Insomniac Games with his voice. Hale had no idea what he was dealing with.